i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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