Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
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I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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