We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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