My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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