the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
