Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
