Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
zippers are such a cool invention
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
