Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
