That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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