I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
