fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
