This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
