Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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