living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
