well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
