I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
