I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
