There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
