The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
