I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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