I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
