Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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