All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
