I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
