I can text with my tongue
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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