I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
