shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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