I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just invented taco cereal.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
