I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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