why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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