Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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