you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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