i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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