i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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