Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's rum buckets o'clock
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
