NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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