what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????