i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.