Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.