if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(