I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
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It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.