Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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