i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
