I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
