Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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