Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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