When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
