my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
