I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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