I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
