Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
