i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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