): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
