i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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