nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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