I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
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i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
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That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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