The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
