i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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