he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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