I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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