There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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